Monday, December 29, 2008

Club HASAY, yo. Week 10. Word.

I'm guest DJ'ing over at Casey's place, Half As Good As You. Do the Running Man on your way over there and check it. Radical.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Over the hills and through the woods...

To Grandmother's house we go....

I've finally figured out how to hook my BlackBerry up to my laptop as a modem and we've been tracking Santa on the NORAD website for the entire trip. Because of terrible weather and roads, this 9 hour trip looks like it's going to be more like 11 hours this time.

Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse Ford Expedition...

I wish you all a very merry Christmas. Enjoy your families, friends and the spirit of the season.!

Jingle all the way...

See you in a few days!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


Today was a rough day in the Seriously world. More snow meant no cross country travel to Grandma and Papa's which meant two disappointed kids.

I was a grouch all day.
I yelled way too much.
I got mad at the stupidest things.
I pouted and felt sorry for myself.
I wished I wasn't a mom today.
I wanted a life that I didn't choose today.
I wanted freedom.
I wanted glamour.
I wanted me and only me today.

And I wanted Spicy Chicken from the Chinese joint up the road.

My fortune cookie...

"Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you."

Talk about a kick in the gut.

I've now got my head back on straight and some perspective.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Harsh reality. It's a meme of the worst kind...

So after being puked on all day, then having the in-laws over for a last minute Christmas get together, trying to get packed up to head to my parents house in the west-est part of Iowa possible for Christmas and getting buried alive by the the white devil falling from the sky, my bud and one of the funniest guys I have never met, Matt from DC Urban Dad tagged me for this GOTCHA meme. Harsh, dude. Harsh. Here I am in all my glory. It's is now 8:24pm. Both kids are asleep, one of which is in our bed because his room is full of monsters. I have about 463 loads of laundry to do and am on my 6th cup of coffee for the day. Don't say I didn't warn you...

This is it...

1) Take a picture of yourself right NOW!
2) DON'T change your clothes, DON'T fix your hair... Just take a picture.
3) Post that picture with NO editing.
4) Post these instruction with your picture.
5)Tag 10 people to do this..

Now who should I pass this on to?

How about...
Corina at Down to Earth Mama
Kim from Kimblahg
Wendy from Notes From the Sleep Deprived
True Confessions from a Small Town City Girl
Joe from Who's your Daddy?
Casey from Half As Good As You
Sammanthia from The Edge Of Insanity

Friday, December 19, 2008

Confessing my sins...

Can I get a witness???

Thanks to Father Muskrat for the salvation. Believe me, I need it.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

A Seriously Magical Giveaway!

Disney on Ice is coming to the US Cellular Arena in Milwaukee Wisconsin and I've been given the opportunity to give away 4 tickets for the Thursday, February 5, 2009, 7:00pm performance!

Join the celebration as 65 of Disney's unforgettable characters from 18 beloved stories come to life in a skating spectacular filled with magical Disney moments you'll remember forever as Disney On Ice celebrates 100 Years of Magic! Play February 5th-8th at the US Cellular Arena. Celebrate the magic of Disney at family-friendly prices starting at $15. BUY TICKETS NOW at or by calling 414-276-4545. (Surcharges, handling and facility fees may apply.)

Here's your chance to see the show free!!!

All you need to do is leave me a comment and tell me about your favorite Disney movie. Are you a fan of Buzz and Woody? Does watching Lady and the Tramp bring back great memories of giggles and sleep overs? Is Lightning McQueen plastered all over your son's room or is everything Wall-E on Santa's list this year?

Want an extra entry? Post a blog entry about this contest and comment with the link.

Want another entry? Tweet about this contest on Twitter and let me know you tweeted!
Find me on Twitter @SeriouslyMama

This contest will end at 10:00pm, Friday, January 23rd, 2009. Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe and I will use to pick the winner! Please make sure you leave me a way to contact you in your comments!

Good luck and I'll see you on ice!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Reason # 47,257,361 I won't be getting any Mother Of The Year Awards...

Even though I try to avoid procrastinating on a lot of things, one thing I continue to be guilty of is letting the gas in my SUV get to fumes before I refill it. Russ is usually good about making sure the tank is full if he drives it but me, not so much.

Yesterday morning was totally chaotic. Russ and the bigger of the L's headed out to preschool before 8:00am and the little-er of the L's and I headed in the opposite direction to do a few errands and then meet up after preschool for lunch and haircuts. Of course I needed gas so she and I stopped to fill up. Pulled up to the pump, turned the car off and while Little-er of the L's was happily watching Toy Story on the DVD player I dropped the keys into the cup holder along with my phone and hopped out to fill the gas tank. It was all of -4 degrees Fahrenheit outside so I was trying to make this a quick little endeavour. Filled up for $1.52 a gallon (woot woot) and turned around to hop back into the car and then had a suffocating panic tighten itself around my chest.

The doors were locked. I was locked out of my car and it was -4 outside. I was locked out of my car, it was -4 outside and my 21 month old daughter was still strapped into her car seat inside the car I was currently locked out of. Are you hearing me, people? I was locked out of the car and my baby was inside!!! After a second to stop the "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit" that was running through my brain, I checked on the Little L who was all bundled up, still happily watching Buzz LightYear and Woody bicker with each other about being the better toy (Woody totally wins in my book) and then ran into the gas station and the attendant looked at me "$38.50 please."

"My daughter, phone, wallet, car keys and my sanity are locked in my car..."

"Well how are you going to pay for the gas?"

"I need to use your phone, please. My daughter is locked in my car along with my keys, wallet, phone and sanity." Please, it's an emergency..."

"Ma'am, you need to pay for the gas..."


"Umm, okay."

With this new car came a new key code which of course I never bothered to memorize. So I called Russ and started yelling at him because of course I had to project onto someone else since there was no way this was my fault, ya know. I am aware that this is one of my things and I need to deal better but Russ is totally used to it and fairly immune to the harassment. Thankfully he remembered the numbers but not the exact order so after a few tense seconds trying different combinations the locks finally popped up and the little-er of the L's hadn't known the difference.

I grabbed my wallet and my daughter and ran back into the station and tossed the money I owed onto the counter while this small town freak decided (through her missing teeth and bad breath) to tell me what a shitty mother I was for leaving my daughter in the car while I came inside to pay for the gas in the first place.

Umm hellooooo, I had to come inside without her BECAUSE SHE WAS LOCKED IN THE CAR.

Word of advice...

When you buy a car with an outside key pad, please memorize the code or you will become more competition for me while I try and win the Worst Mother Of The Year Award.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Tragically Male?

What is with you guys? Seriously.

Why is it that when you get sick the entire world ends but if your woman gets sick it's all "Hey Babe, I know you are kinda sick but I have to go, I'll see you in a week. Oh, by the way, the kids need your undivided attention for the 16 hours a day they are awake and totally be ready to rock my world when I get home." So if you are sick I guess it's okay that the world is ending right? It's like the coming of the next apocalypse, it's when I wish you still lived with your mother because she would love shit like this. You know, just to rub it in a bit more that she knows way more than we do and only she knows how to make you feel better. Or something like that.

Okay, maybe that was a harsh stereotype for all men but it was right on for the one I live with.

Yesterday was a pretty easy going day around Casa de la Seriously. The kids stayed in their pj's all day. We skipped church, ate in the living room and layed around like broccoli all morning. I snuck out during football / nap time and walked to the town that time forgot's movie theater and watched Twilight. Yes, I have been sucked in by Edward. No, I am not a freak. But dayum Edward just has it. Oh so dark and tortured. Oh so dreamy. Not a huge fan of the movie but I have wasted $5.00 on worse things. Walked home and landed right back into vegetable mode. After the kids went to sleep last night, Russ built a fire and out of the miserable choices for available movies on Charter Pay Per View, we rock-paper-scissored our way to Jumper. I roasted some shrimp and we sat down for a little movie snack. The movie was okay but I still had a bit of a Robert Pattinson fever going on so I didn't pay much attention to it.

Went to bed and about an hour later I hear what I think the local farmer's newest heifer giving birth to twins. Cripes I had two children without pain meds and never sounded as miserable as Russ did. I am guessing he had some bad shrimp (although they were perfectly cooked and I ate the same shrimp and have been totally fine) and those pesky little buggers have kept him glued to the sewer pipes all day. Heh Heh Heh.

Yeah, I know he is sick and yep, I know it probably sucks but is it really necessary to moan like a dying moose while walking around with a blanket draped over your shoulders. Please.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Holy smokes! Do... Do you know what this is? This is... A... An Update!

I'm alive. We just hibernating away this December. Trying not to get buried in well over a foot of snow that has sprinkled down on us since Thanksgiving and the 14 inches we are currently getting. Preschool is closed today, pajamas are still on, fire in the fireplace, Christmas Tree decorated and A Christmas Story is on the boob tube for the 345th time this week. Oh, and I've totally read this book and this book and this book in the last 2 weeks. One more to go and my ADD can focus on something else. I've also been doing a weekly post over here.

I'm in love with hibernating and that's not helping my HASAY status or my DC Urban Dad's Big Hairy Holiday Fitness Challenge scores. It's totally time for a "get your ass off the couch" intervention. Seriously. Yes, I have been on plan with Weight Watcher's. Yes, I have been water cardio-ing my way through Monday nights. Yes, I have been hitting the treadmill. Yes, I have been barely doing enough to sneak by so no one notices that my motivation is wavering. Not that I am giving up by any means but I am lacking that extra little oomph that I had a month or two ago.

So come on and give it to me. Kick my ass right onto that treadmill. I have a triathlon in 9.5 months!!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Umm, yeah. Never again...

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

We are heading to the 'rents and will be back in a few days.

See you on the flip side.

Friday, November 21, 2008

My Love Man

Him - Left on another business trip.

Me- Left to try and survive the wrath of the Buzz Kills.

Him - Called to tell me that in case of emergency, look in the glove box of my car.

Me- It's either the glove box or the box of wine sitting on top of the fridge.

I took the more responsible of the choices.

What I found in the glove box made me love him just that much more. Sixteen years ago I met a guy who I thought was the antithesis of everything I wanted. Now today I confirmed the fact that he is indeed everything I ever wanted. Do you want to know why?

In that glove box was a Banana Republic gift card with this written on the card...

"For my Skinny Vanilla Hatte..."

Do you know how hard I have worked to be called skinny? Seriously!

Guys, a sure fire way to score major points with your wife?

Turn your wife into her Starbucks drink of choice. Just make sure it's a Skinny and do not under any circumstances use the term... Grande.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Finally a Club HASAY update!

Hey HASAY remember me?

I've been here, sticking to the program and trying to keep on keeping on. What I haven't been doing is checking up on you all and for that I am sorry. My goal is to get to all of your blogs this weekend.

I weighed in at Weight Watchers tonight and I ended up with a .2 (two tenths of a pound) gain. I am not worried because I was totally on plan, workouts were awesome and I started to do some weight training. Even with a broken wrist. Hows that for dedication?

At tonight's meeting we discussed Thanksgiving survival tips and our leader gave us a recipe. It's here for the taking...

Help to get not fatter on Thanksgiving...

1- Eat a healthy breakfast. No carmel pecan sticky buns that are a family tradition for me. This year we are doing a cranberry scones recipe with a fruit salad.

2- Limit alcohol. Hard to do when I am going to mom and pop's house. I have no doubt that Russ and I will be doing shots right out of the bottle in the basement bar of my parents abode for therapy. But it's therapy and if you experienced a holiday at my parents house in western Iowa you would understand. There will be 16 people at mom and dad's. 6 of those will be under the age of 8. Thankfully they have a house big enough to hold us all and a bar big enough to hold all the therapy.

3- Drink your water. ALL DAY LONG. Keeping fully hydrated is essential for healthy weight loss. I drink at least 8 - 16.9 oz bottles per day. I know I need to be greener and get rid of the plastic bottles. Baby steps people, baby steps.

4- Portion control. 'Nuff said.

5- Try eating with nothing on your plate touching. Leaving room between foods!

Here's the Pumpkin Turtle Pie recipe they gave out in class tonight. I'm usually more of a whole, natural foods kinda girl. Not a big fan of fat free stuff but I may try it just to see what it's like.

3T Fat Free Carmel Topping
1 Reduced Fat Graham Cracker Crust
4T chopped pecans - toasted
1C fat free milk
1 3.5 oz instant vanilla pudding
1 C canned pumpkin
1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
1.5 C fat free cool whip

Drizzle 2T carmel topping on bottom of pie crust. Sprinkle 3T pecans on top of carmel. Set aside

Whisk milk and pudding until blended. Add pumpkin and spice, beat until blended.

Fold cool whip in to pumpkin mixture. Spread into crust.

Chill until set. Top with remaining pecans and carmel topping.

I do have a pumpkin, cream cheese and kiwi pie recipe that is to die for and totally diet friendly. I'll post it this weekend...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Spin-en the bottle. Just not the baby kind.

Note to self. Do not ever take a 3 year old and a 19 month old to the toy store again alone, ever. Never ever again. And if you are stupid enough to do that, make sure there is a full bottle of therapy waiting in the special cabinet when you get home. Because you are really going to need it. Seriously.

The ever fabulous Sprite's Keeper picked Favoritism for this weeks spin. Re-posting favorite posts, as if! I love her for letting me re-post an old post and somehow I don't feel like shredding any evidence of NaBloPoMo tonight.

Who doesn't love a toddler who talks like a drunken sailor? Someday I will pay for this but I still crack up every time I hear one of my kids swear. Bad mom = me. I know it but I still live to hear them curse.

I am such a child.

So here it is. Another piece of evidence that I won't be winning any mother of the year awards...

Little-er L is sleeping, Little Bigger L and I were talking about what we wanted to do this week. It was what I thought to be a sweet little down time talk. We were having a moment. You know those moments, the ones that should be written down in a baby book unless you are me who never bothered to do a baby book for either child because I suck as a mother. Someday they'll get over it in therapy. I'm not worried. So I asked the three year old little twerp if he would like to take a trip to the zoo this week. He grabbed my cheeks in what I thought would be a "oh mom, I love you" moment when instead he said to me, the woman whom gave him life, the woman who nourishes his mind and body, the woman who wipes his butt after he poops (outside or in), the woman who makes sure he doesn't kill himself on a daily basis, he said to me...

"No, I don't want to go to the zoo because you are an asshole."

Do I gasp for air, shocked that my spawn could do such a thing?


I crack up laughing and spit my iced coffee out all over him. And decided to do whatever he wanted for the rest of the day because even though he has gotten his fathers looks and demeanor, the cursing? That's all me, baby. And damn I am proud.

Like the title says, Tender moments? Not so much. Methinks that certain three year old little ears have been listening to Seriously Mama talk to Seriously Daddy when Seriously Daddy makes Seriously Mama very mad.

Yeah, they are so going to need therapy some day.

Here's a little Juliana Hatfield Three's Spin The Bottle for you. One of my favorites...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Ten things that have blown my mind today...

1- The little Buzz Kill slept in until 6:30am. Miracle.

2- The Bigger of the Buzz Kills woke up on his own and happily got dressed for school.

3- Got to preschool and there was no snack for the kids. The mom who signed up totally spaced and left the kids hanging. I ran to the store and saved her ass. She refused to even acknowledge the save or the fact that she was responsible for the chaos. Whatever. It wasn't a big deal but still.

4- I signed up for NaBloPoMo for a reason to post some of the things I really want to say but instead I just get these meaningless posts in at the last minute. Classy ain't it?

5- Ran on the treadmill for 60 minutes and then ate half of a homemade pizza. I am still a moron just not a hungry moron anymore.

6- Andrew Zimmern is currently eating a chowder made with Cod sperm. He is a rock star because I would have run screaming out of the restaurant by now.

7- I purchase dog food at $52.00 a bag which lasts Frankie and Ernie about 1.75 weeks. And they still fart like they did on food that was $20.00 a bag.

8- My mother. That woman may have given birth to me but I'm not sure we are related. Polar opposites anyone?

9- My single with no kids sister actually agreed to watch the Buzz Kills on Sunday so Russ and I can have some sanity and do some scouting for Santa. If she backs out I plan on breaking her skinny little, single with no kids, footloose and fancy free neck. Seriously.

10- You are still reading this?

Until tomorrow. XOXOX

Monday, November 17, 2008

Excuses, Excuses

Battery is about to die along with the idea that NaBloPoMo was a good idea. One of these days y'all are going to get a real post from me. Just not tonight.

If I have any readers left, thank you. I adore you all.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I "worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was "my" true medium, a master."

37 sleeps until my favorite day of the year.

24 hours of "A Christmas Story" on TBS starts in 38 days. I will watch close to 20 of those 24 hours. 'Cuz that's how I roll, yo. I'll watch it with the kids, I'll watch it baking the last minute goodies, I'll watch it while Santa puts the presents under the tree and then I'll watch some more.

I'll also watch it while my precious little girl says "Oh Shit" for the eleven millionth time in front of anyone and everyone. Because her mommy tends to talk like a drunk sailor.

Someone give me a time out. I triple dog dare you...

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Whatever Dude...

I took my new wheels for a ride this morning and ended up at Target. I know you are jealous of my rock star life but try and control yourself. I ended up at Target with all the other rock stars, okay?

Like every other rock star, I picked the never ending checkout line. In front of me was a guy that I would guess was in his 50's. We chatted about the weather, the slow cashier, etc. Then out of the blue this dude I have never seen before says this to me...

"You know I think you are really cute but those glasses really look terrible on you."

Whatever Dude. I hope you are really 35 and just look 50.

Friday, November 14, 2008

And the winner is...

Since I wanted to be fair and impartial, Eeny Meeny, Miney, Moe and I decided to hit up for the lucky winner of one jar of wrist breakin' sun dried tomatoes and a $20.00 pick me up gift card from my savior, Starbucks!

A little copy and paste and here we are.

Random Integer Generator
Here are your random numbers:10
Timestamp: 2008-11-15 01:41:39 UTC

And lucky number 10 belongs to...

V @

V's comment was -

Here's 2 for ya.One night while drinking at home I went to use the bathroom. Instead of turning on the light I decided to use the small nightlight. I stood up a little too quick and as soon as I got my pants up I fell into the door and gave myself a concussion.

The second was I was in middle school down the hall one day and out of no where fell and twisted my ankle. Normally this isn't a big deal but in that time I somehow turned my ankle just right to twist a piece of bone onto a nerve. They found this 6 months later and I ended up having surgery to remove the piece of bone. I was then in a cast up to my knee for 6 weeks. All because of a twisted ankle!

I loved to hear that I am not the only one who is injury prone for no good reason! And I happen to know that V's husband could probably do something fabulous with the wrist breaking jar o' tomatoes and not break his wrist while trying to open it. But be warned, it's a really hard jar to open. Seriously.

So V, email your info to me - seriouslymama at gmail dot com and I'll get this shipped off to you lickety split!

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Answer me this...

NaBloPoMo is killing me. I have no less than 5 posts half done and trying to type with this damn splint on my wrist is nearly impossible.

I do have a few questions that need some answers though.

1- Why do car dealerships treat everyone like they are idiots? So they really think I am not going to notice when they try and push a $55,000.00 Suburban on me and tell me the payments will be "around" $400.00 per month. Dude, this is just basic math. Spew your crap at someone else. I am not an idiot. Yes, I want the new Suburban but I also want a new house. Sorry, you lose and the guy who's willing to sell me a 2008 with 11,000 miles on it for A LOT less wins.

2- Who give a flying %$#& that the pregnant man is pregnant again? He is a she and she's can get knocked up. It's all in the uterus baybee. And he/she's got one.

3- Vanilla Ice is back with a new album. An album of hip hop and rap classics. What do you think. Had been a hasbeen or still a hasbeen? It's no secret I love "Ice Ice Baby" but is it really necessary to try again?

4- Fancy private sports club membership that includes kiddy care or home equipment?

5- Beer, liquor or wine?

6- Creamy peanut butter or chunky? This is an argument we have daily in the Seriously House.

7- Warrant's Cherry Pie or Poison's Talk Dirty To Me?

8- Open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?

9- If it's broken. Fix or buy new?

10- Kimmel, Leno or Letterman?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Girls Rock!

Go here.

Watch this.

And always support your pig tailed little rock and rollers...

Girls Rock Free Screening

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

You'd better watch out. You'd better not cry or open a jar or you might win something...

In my ongoing attempt at becoming the way cuter - way cooler version of Martha Stewart, I decided it was necessary to force open a new jar of sun dried tomatoes.

Seriously, it was a really hard jar to open.

So hard in fact that I managed to crack a few little bones in my left wrist.

Now here I sit with a splint on my wrist for the next six weeks. Because I'm cool like that.

Your job is to entertain me. Leave a comment and give me your best version of what story I can tell people so I don't seem like such a dork. How did I break my wrist? Old football injury? Ski jumping in the Alps? Repelling down Everest? Friday Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe and I will pick a winner.

What will you win, you ask?

A jar of wrist breaking sun dried tomatoes and a $20.00 Starbucks card to use when you need an extra little ooomph in your day. Just make sure someone else opens the tomatoes for you.

Now go and make me look like one of the cool kids and not the dorky kid who broke her wrist while jamming out to Real Life's Send Me An Angel and opening a jar of sun dried tomatoes.

Monday, November 10, 2008

A change is gonna come...

I was working on a post tonight while Nightline was on. This sentence stopped me in my tracks.

Just think about this for a minute...

"The Obama's will soon be living in a house built by slaves..."

It took my breath away. How about you?

And for what it's worth, I think Seal did an awesome job covering the great Sam Cooke.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

NaBloPoMo who?

"Uh, yeah, well, my grandmother just dropped acid and hijacked a schoolbus full of penguins, so its kind of a family emergency. can you come back later?"

I got next to nothing tonight. Except a mouse in the basement. And a pile of laundry that won't be touched until that little furry rat is dead. And a Venti Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte buzz.

Who knows this quote???

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Somewhere around 25, bizarre becomes immature...

And sometimes before 25, you are just unlucky enough to be really immature. And it really sucks to have to call your parents from the county klink. And 15 years later, they still won't let you forget it.

A few weeks ago I was doing some highly intelligent, highly important social networking on this highly informative, highly important website called Twitter and during one of my highly intelligent Tweet's it was discovered that I have been one of the chosen few to have had the privilege of wearing an orange jumpsuit for a night or two. Two to be exact. I was also able to partake in the free flip flops that were given out. Trendsetters those county klinks are. Trendsetters.

As a young student of Geology in 1994, I found out that Geologists liked to drink beer and beer didn't come free. A job I had to find. And quick. Because beer didn't come free unless you were talking to the creepy guys and then it totally wasn't worth it. So I found a job. I was able to get paid enough to cover beer money and rent, keep my clothes on, keep my Mineralogy & Petrology lab schedule (two classes that should never be taken in the same semester) and wear hiking boots to work! Score.

Please don't take what I am about to write as anything more than how society worked. It is what it is and it's not fair, it's not right and it needs to change. I don't agree with it and and shameful that I bought into the behavior and used it to my advantage, even though I knew better. Live and learn. I am not here to judge...

As a cute, blond haired, suburban, white girl applying for a job in an urban big box home improvement store staffed primarily by young black males (hey, it was totally close to school) I was hired for a position that left me with a lot of responsibility and even more freedom. All because I was a white college student. I could have been a total space cadet (I wasn't) and still would have been hired because of what I looked like. They didn't give a crap about my experience or qualifications. It was all about image. This position paid way more than any other position in the store and I could be pretty much on my own. I needed a job and morals were not on the top of my list. Beer, rent, boys and school (in that order) were.

I came to work everyday on time, looked cute, did my job (or so they thought...I was really doing my lab work most days) and didn't get involved with the drama that other employees were involved in. Retail = ReSteal. Plain and simple.

One of my responsibilities was to supervise the department that handled home installations. There were several cute installers that would pop in from time to time to try and score, umm I mean say hi. They needed to give me their material invoices, have me give the stamp of approval and send them off to a job. Mindless work. That is why I was able to get an A in Mineralogy that semester.

There was one guy (of course there was) who was always overly friendly if you know what I mean. Fresh out of the SeaBee's, he was pretty fun to have lunch or a beer after work with. I had a boyfriend at the time (read: current husband) and was not playing into it as much as just having fun with it. Or so I thought.

Long story short, Mr. Honorable Navy Man was playing me for a fool. Not one invoice he ever gave me was real. There were thousands of dollars of merchandise rolling out the back door while I was reading Dr. Mursky's lecture notes. Rhodochrosite, my ass.

One day just after lunch, I started to notice a little different vibe around the store. Then I noticed a whole bunch of cops around the back office. Thinking that another employee got caught stealing, I went on with my day. A few hours later I was called into HR. Wearing a short wrap skirt, sleeveless top and sandals, I bee-bopped my way in the office where I was promptly handcuffed and given my Miranda rights.

Here's where I peed a little.

I was told that I was the being taken downtown (seriously) and was going to be questioned in the theft of materials from the store. They walked me out in handcuffs through the entire store while all the employees stared. I was put into the back of a squad car (did you know that the backseats have indentations where you can put your arms?) and drove me to jail. Because it was a Friday afternoon in a major metropolitan area, the intake room of said jail was full of freaks. Since it was Friday afternoon in a major metropolitan area the jail was also full so I was lucky enough get to spend the entire night in the intake room with all of the freaks. Me and the freaks. Male and female freaks all in one big room. Me, a naive blond haired, white girl in a wrap skirt and sandals with drug dealers, pimps, prostitutes, wife beaters, drunks and God knows what else.

I was able to use the phone though. So, do I call my parents to come and rescue me immediately? Hell no, they would kill me! Do I call an attorney for help? Of course not. I called my boyfriend who was just another broke ass college student with no connections, of course. What in the hell was he going to do? Not kill me is what he was going to do. He ended up knowing more that me though so he filled me in. The detectives were looking for Mr. Honorable Navy Man and wouldn't let me go until they had him in custody. Mr. Honorable Navy Man was no where to be found though. Why step up and be honest when a 19 year old girl can take the fall for you?

So I talked at length with the detectives. They called me "cherubic" and told me they were sorry I got mixed up into this, blah, blah, blah. What they were not going to do however was let me go. This went on for over 20 hours.

Saturday morning, I was given my orange jump suit, flip flops and pillow. They sent me to a "unit" and told me my court date would be on Monday. Thank you and goodnight.

Here's where I start loosing it.

They locked me into a cell with this crazy old black woman who wanted nothing more than to make me her bitch. She petted my hair (I am not joking) and told me how she was "innocent, she didn't kill that bitch." She gave me the lowdown on who to stay away from and what guard would bring you a cigarette and a candy bar if you gave him a little somthin' somthin'. I was too damn scared to sleep for fear my innocence would be taken by a big, black she-male. So instead I asked her if I could read her copy of The Shining.

People, I couldn't make this up even if I tried.

I read The Shining.
In jail.
While not sleeping.
On the top bunk.
Of an 8x8 foot jail cell.
With a big.
Underneath me.
Planning how to turn me into her love slave.

The next day I caved. I called Mom and Dad. They were beyond pissed and hung up on me. They hung up on me during my only phone call. THEY HUNG UP ON ME DURING MY ONLY PHONE CALL.

A few hours later my 17 year old sister was waiting behind the glass with one of those phones in her hand. I was led into the other side of the visiting booth in handcuffs. My sister busted out with "You are way better off in here. Mom and Dad are going to kill you." "See ya sucka. Can I have your car?" "Brenda, there are people having sex between the glass next to us." "Mom and Dad are going to kill you." "See ya at your funeral." "I told them to let you wear the red dress because you are so going to hell."

Mom and Dad posted my bail and drove me home. They wouldn't even take me to my apartment first so I could try and escape. They drove straight home without saying a word. My sister of course didn't shut up. At home they told me to shower and go to bed. I was sure they were going to discuss the best options for putting me out of my misery. But no such luck. I was screamed at starting early the next morning until our late afternoon appointment with my parent's attorney.

Several court dates later, I was charged with a misdemeanor for party to a crime (of which
I had no idea was occurring) or something like that, given my sentence of two days already served and sent on my way.

Except two days already served is really a lifetime sentence of hearing about the reputation I chose to lay upon my self as a convict. According to the people who posted my bail at least.

And they made me move home for a semester and commute.

And my street cred went right back into suburban oblivian.

If anyone knows the movie that this post title came from you will receive my unwavering devotion for life. Tainted reputation included.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Gettin' busy...

No, not that way. Jeez. Mind out of the gutters, people. Seriously.

It's 10:00pm and I haven't opened my laptop for over 12 hours. That's busy. There were trips to the doctor, pizza parlor (for them not me HASAY-ers, I had a salad) a Target excursion, and then my dear husband surprised me with a "I'm really proud of you" card and a little cash-ola for a mommy me time shopping trip which I gladly accepted because my jeans are falling off my shrinking hips and I really wanted to buy a new pair of shoes which I totally don't need but I really wanted.

Whew, how was that for a run on sentence? Mad skills I tell ya.

I'll be back tomorrow and promise to do a real post tomorrow but for now I will leave you with this because I have missed my last two Flashback Friday's. It's the last song I heard on my iPod tonight and totally stayed in the driveway until it was over. One of my favorites.

Good Night!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Club HASAY update part one...

After a full week of hard core healthful eating, 60 minutes of cardio per day and enough water to float away on, I managed to lose 5 pounds this week which puts me at 31 pounds total so far. Getting closer to my goal everyday!

For those of you who want the Weight Watcher insider tips, stay tuned. I'm working on a HASAY tip sheet for y'all...

I'll be back tomorrow with more info but right now I am exhausted and my poor little girl is asleep on my shoulder with a stuffy nose and bad cough. Not to mention I am typing one handed which takes mad skills.

It's just one cold after another here. I hope we get a break soon.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Dr. Knuckles

This girl and this guy meet in 1992 and after two years of "we're just friends" they finally fall madly in love. This guy and this girl get married in 1999 not because she wanted to wait that long but because it took him way to long to ask. This guy and this girl find themselves with a bun in the oven in 2004. This guy and this girl spend the next eight weeks freaking the hell out and wondering just what they got themselves into.

This guy and this girl walk into this OB office when this girl was eight weeks pregnant and puking her guts out with this guy's demon seeded spawn inside her womb. This guy and this girl meet a doctor. A doctor who came highly recommended by the this's friends. A doctor who would soon be expanding his practice and hiring two new doctors. One of his new hires would be an rockin' awesome, earthy crunchy, mom of two and the other? The other was a ex-marine, hard ass, father of four, military OB who was back in the states after serving his country and delivering babies in third world countries for twenty years.

Guess which OB got assigned to this girl and this guy's pregnancy? Umm, no. The other one.

This girl thought "Hey, what the hell, I'll give him a chance to overcome his reputation and then kick him to the curb." "How bad can one visit be?"

So this girl brushes her teeth, tries to zip up her jeans that are way too close to not fitting, tried to button her shirt that is definitely not going to button, and heads out to her first appointment with Dr. Reputation. Upon arrival at the office this girl gets the lowdown on what happens at every visit. You know, the cup??? This girl gets into the exam room, praying that she doesn't barf in the waste basket. Finally the moment this girl had been waiting for. This girl meets this doctor.

"Hmm, not bad. Friendly, not bad looking, nice handshake. No overt weirdness. Seems intelligent and has a ton of experience." "Definite possibility."

So this girl, this guy and this doctor begin their relationship. There are freak out questions in the middle of the night, there are monthly weighs and measures, there are budding bumps, there are bumpity bump heart beats checks. There are ultra sounds, there are non stress tests. Maternity clothes and yoga pants. There are cute flats and there are clogs. Skips of excitement turn into waddles of wonder.

Thirty eight weeks after this guy and this girl find out about their little experiment they meet this doctor at the hospital. This girl is ready for this baby to be out of her and this doctor says it's time.

This girl's body isn't quite ready to have this baby so this doctor decides to help this girl along a bit. This doctor decides he is going to do a little strippin' o' membranes to this girl.

This girl finds out the hard way that this doctor has hands as big as a gorilla. Seriously.

"Brenda, this may be a bit uncomfortable for a minute."

"Holy F#^$*%) C)#*$@. Oh (#&@#, Are you (#$&@_ )#$&@&^@? Get your damn hands out of me."

"There, that wasn't so bad. If this doesn't work, I'll do it again in a few hours."

"Like hell you will ever do that again. Get me the hell out of here. I plan on staying pregnant forever you masochistic freak."

"Wow, congratulations, your water just broke." "I'll be back later..."

"Umm, okay Dr. KNUCKLES."

This doctor, besides having hands that Jane Goodall would study, ended up being the man who would help me bring two babies into this world. I adore him, not because I too am a masochistic freak but because he was there when this girl and this guy heard their babies for the first time. He was there for the weighs, the measures, the skips and the waddles.

He was there to argue about Obama vs. McCain today too. And any guy who can argue politics while doing a pap smear? He's good with me.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Hope for their future.

Tonight Barack Obama was elected to serve as our 44th President of the United States of America.
I have hope for their future.
Hope that they most certainly do not understand right now.
Someday may they look back at this night with the same hope and anticipation at what they can accomplish next.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Our exercise in futility...

It's November 3rd. Day three of NaBloPoMo!!! Today's high temperature in the Town That Time Forgot was 68 degrees! 68 degrees? In November? In Wisconsin?

Unreal. Awesome and unreal.

We decided that since it was such an amazing day that we'd try and get some family pictures at the local nature center. Two of us thought that would be a great idea and two of us? Not so much.

We fought tooth and nail just to get a shot or two. I am still too wiped to even begin to look at our final results. But this is the lowdown...

Get dressed in picture outfits.
Eat M&M cookies and smear the aftermath all over said outfits.
Take the playdough that they were playing with this morning and smash it in each other's hair.
Time to get in the car.
Fight, fight, fight your way out of the car seat until your life is threatened and all thoughts of ever eating ice cream again slowly fade to black.
Agree to get buckled in because we have to drive by the ice cream shop on the way home.
Get to nature center.
Run as fast as you can away from the parental units.
Parental Units dish out the ice cream threat again.
Retreat back to said Units.
Attempt to cooperate just until the picture is about to be snapped, then pick your nose.
Try picture again. Except this time punch your sibling because they are touching you.

Is it really necessary to continue?

I am exhausted and waving the white flag. I'll post some of our results on day four.

Please vote tomorrow! We can't have change in this country if we are not willing to put in a little effort to get our opinions heard.

I'm sure I'll have another good Octogenarian Polling Center Nazi story for you tomorrow.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

You spin me right round baby, right round to the polls...

Day two of NaBloPoMo. Wow, 2 consecutive days. Impressed?

In honor of this weeks upcoming election, the ever talented Sprite's Keeper has selected the topic of Voting and Elections for this week's spin. I am not going to go into some long winded novel about why I am voting for Obama this year or philosophies on why I am a democrat. Not going to hate on the Republicans either. There is enough of that going on, fo sho.

If you have read my Twitter updates in the last few days you will know that my parents and I got into it about Obama/Biden vs. the McCain/Palin ticket. It threw me for a loop and I am still dwelling on it. Basically wondering what in the hell my parents are thinking and even wondering if it's time for a room at the nursing home? Who cares that they are only in their late fifties/early sixties. I just might need to send them to that sunny home in the hills I have mentioned (umm... threatened) to them before.

My mom called from Iowa to tell me she and my dad voted. Not something you would think warranted a phone call but since my mother insists on calling several times a day (love you mom) to tell me everything I do wrong or to give her suggestions on what I should/could be doing, I guess calling to tell me they voted isn't all that abnormal. I hear my dad yelling from the background "Go McCain! We love Sarah!" Silence from my end. I was too busy trying not to choke on my coffee to immediately respond. After I stopped myself from throwing up a little, I asked my parents if they were insane? My dad who once was a card carrying Democrat, has in the last several elections voted for Ross Perot, George W. Bush, and now John McCain. How can I be related to him? Whaaaa!!!

They started in on me about Obama being a terrorist, Biden a crook, blah blah blah. Disclaimer...I am really good at the "uh huh, whatever, you're crazy, nope, okay mom, send dad to the home" responses. It's totally not worth the argument because if you knew my parents, it's their way or the highway. No wonder I was such a dork in high school. My mom wanted a clone (she got my sister) and I seriously could be the milk man's kid.

"What experience does Obama have?" "How can you trust Biden, he's as crooked as they come." "Are you ready to spend all of Russ' paychecks on Obama's taxes?" "Doesn't Sarah Palin remind you of your mother?" Once again, if you knew my mother, you would understand that she is a bit of an ego maniac (hi mom!) and once along with my dad, ran a very successful company that they sold 5 years ago. Once a very, very business focused woman, now a grandmother with nothing else to do than call every hour and clean her huge ass house that they don't need but a few times a year when everyone is home. But anyway...

I calmly presented my point of view to which they just shook their heads. I used the excuse that Lila just shit herself and I really had to go, just to get off the phone. Hung up and let loose on poor Russ. At least he shuts up and lets me vent! Good man, that Russ is.

Two hours later my mom calls again. "Are you sure you know what and who you are voting for, young lady?" Umm, thanks mom but I am now among other things an almost 34 year old, a mother of 2, wife and college graduate. I know what and who I am voting for. Your Jedi Mind Tricks are not going to work through the phone from 600 miles away. Call your other daughter, you might have better luck. She still is attached by your really long umbilical cord. Love ya! Can the kids come and visit again soon? XOXOXO

I do have another funny "at the polls" story.

It's no secret that we currently live in the Town That Time Forgot, Wisconsin. Our haunted house is a half of a block from City Hall. We moved here shortly before I needed to vote again and therefore needed to register here. The Little-er of the L's was a newborn. I bundled her up in the sling, put the Bigger of the L's jacket on and off we went to go vote! I stood in line with a two year old and newborn for over an hour while everyone asked me what my last name was, where I lived, who my parents were, who my in laws were, if my dogs were dangerous, when the last time my husband and I had a little nooky love ( had be a loooong time. I had a newborn for cripes sake.) I finally was up to the registration table and handed all the necessary identification to the nice octogenarian, once she finally shut up. She looked on her formal, top secret sheet o'names and promptly said as loud as possible. "Oh my, you are the new people who owe all that money for the last water bill that ______ never paid before her mother died." Remember, we were brand new to this house and to this town. Also remember that I was still trying to wrangle a two year old and a newborn as well. "You are going to need to pay that bill before we can let you vote."

I should have called the ACLU. But instead, I called my husband in a fit of rage. I did eventually get to vote and the water bill Nazi was put right in her place. There is no doubt in my mind that I will get to experience her classiness again on Tuesday.

I'm getting a NaBloPoMo blogroll together. Let me know if you want some link love! And head on over and visit these participants. Give them some encouragement or leave a crazy comment and give them some fodder...

Cynical Dad
Down to Earth Mama
Gaming With Baby
Half As Good As You
Sprite's Keeper
Cool Zebras

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Im doing NaBloPoMo, send medication...

Since I really haven't posted anything of real substance in a long time, I decided that this is a great way to get a push and finally put down on electronic paper the things that have been floating around in my head.

There is still time if you want to join. Click on over to the NaBloPoMo site and sign up.


Last night was close to a big fail as far as candy hoarding goes. The bigger of the L's decided that it was way more fun to answer the door for his "customers" than it was going door to door asking for candy. The little L on the on the other hand? Trick or Treating with wild abandon. There was no stopping her. "Teet" she would say when a door opened and "Cue" was her thanks for the toddler crack she just scored.

When we pulled into the driveway we could see that the bigger of the L's closet light was flickering and it was definitely not some practical joke. Russ was determined that the light fixture just needed to be looked at. He tore the entire thing apart, installed a new one "just in case" and is desperately trying to prove to me that this house isn't haunted.

Good luck bud. This house is totally haunted and I am heading to Mad Town tomorrow to find some freaky hippy to sell me some sage to burn.

If you are doing NaBloPoMo, leave me a comment and I'll add you to the blogroll! Good luck!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Do as I say, not as I do. Club HASAY update...

It's no secret that I had a helluva week this week. Seriously Daddy (can I just call him Russ?) I hate typing Seriously Daddy, it's a bit obnoxious don't you think? Anyway, Russ was traveling this week which meant I was single parenting the L's. I seriously wasn't cut from the single parent mold and anyone who can do it is an absolute hero in my book. Raising kids is hard and raising kids without any help, next to impossible.

Along with battleing colds, we also had a few visits from my invisible man friend. That alone threw this entire house into a tizzy and made my nights impossible. Picture me on the couch with the little-er of the L's asleep on my shoulder because that's the only way she could breathe, the bigger of the L's feet jabbing me in the ribs because there is no way he was going back into his bedroom. Ernie pacing the house growling and Frankie doing what Frankie does best. Snoring and farting. And believe me, she's really good at that.

Weight Watchers and Club HASAY took a back seat to life this week. I'm not proud of it but sometimes it's hard not to let life get in the way. I wouldn't say that I spun out of control but I did end up with a .8 pound gain tonight. Ugh. That's a hard one to say.

Back on the wagon kids. I have to. I need to. I will. Back to the exercise, back to the food tracking, back to the reality of healthy living. It takes work and it won't work if you don't put in a little effort!

Feel free to beat me senseless with comments beacause I really wanna be a...

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I need a Paranormal Evacuation, stat!

Get your mind out of the gutter, people. I am serious. My house is haunted and I want him, it, that thing, whatever it is, gone. Gone is what it needs to be. Stat!

This is what a little paranoid Google research will get a girl...

From Vancouver Paranormal

Apparitions: Apparitions are considered to be the image of the person that has died. For the most part apparitions are in the category of earth-bound spirits who, for whatever reason, have not passed on. Violent, unexpected deaths, guilt or simply fear of moving into the light may be key factors as to why they choose to remain here. While not always complete, (sometimes missing limbs or mass) this is the way a ghost looked when they were alive. They are reported to be intelligent and apparently can interact with us by speaking. They apparently can create odors, make sounds and move things and this is to gain your attention. As humans, we are famous for being afraid of new things. This entity is simply a human spirit who will retain the same personality they had in life. Some are nice, some are mean, but rarely are they evil, and certainly nothing like the evil entities that are born on the Hollywood screen. They are can be anywhere and if they are real then they most likely are. They can cause hot and cold spots, feelings of being watched, sounds and smells as well as disruptions with any electrical appliances; radios, TV├»¿½s, computers, washers and dryers, etc. You may even feel them touch you lightly, or hear moving furniture from another room. They will try to get your attention, and in so doing, could frighten you, but I do not believe that is their intention. Maybe they are trying to pass on a message or warning, or simply want you to know they are there. In any case acknowledge them, talk to them as you would a friend and they will be satisfied. If they frighten you, in most cases if you simply tell them they are doing so, they will stop. Always remember, they are just like us and will usually respect you as long as you respect them. Photographing an apparition is extremely rare, the dream of all investigators, and we treasure this prize!

Umm, okay. Heeelllllooo McFly, there is someone in this house and he doesn't belong here. These investigators may dream about it but so does my three year old and let me tell you, it ain't pretty.

Seriously Daddy left for yet another business trip yesterday afternoon and like clockwork, my friend from the other side appeared. I put the bigger of the L's to bed last night and not even an hour later he's crying, pointing to his closet and telling me to "tell that guy to leave." Ernie's in the bedroom growling at what seemed to be nothing and once again, L's closet light burned out. Let me tell you, this is NOT the first time this exact scenario has played out.

It's February 2006. Seriously Daddy convinces me that I should look at this big Victorian in his hometown. It's on a big corner lot, next to an empty historical Catholic church (hellllloooo, am I an idiot?) I had recently resigned from my job to stay at home with the only L at the time. Seriously Daddy was driving over an hour one way to work, and had no time to maintain the hobby farm we owned. Reluctantly I agreed and one month later we took the plunge and so far we are the first and only non family members to live in this house. It's been passed down through the generations for 105 years. Foolishly I thought that we bought into something great. *Some* remodeling and we would be living in this amazing Victorian, yada, yada, you idiot. Me = idiot, not you. $70,000.00 later we are still remodeling. Sorry for the tangent...

The last owners of this house were the children of the formal owner. She died (in a nursing home thank you very much) two years before we bought this house and her kids were caretakers of the property. Their dad died in the 1950's of a broken neck. He was swimming in a local lake, dove in and broke his neck. (Are you starting to put the pieces together???) The lady, you know the one. The one who had ALL. THE. WINDOWS. CAULKED. SHUT. Yeah, that one. She stayed here and raised her five kids, died and the kids none of which still live in the Town That Time Forgot, sold it to us.

March 2006, we decide to gut this entire house. Late one night I was here alone painting one of the upstairs bedrooms and see something out of the corner of my eye. I see someone walk down the hallway. A 50 something man wearing a dark suit. Thinking that the non stop Sonic Youth and latex paint smell was getting to me, I packed up and headed back to our "old house."

June 2006 we are finally able to move in here. The only L at the time gets the big back corner bedroom. He's 15 months old and still sleeping in his crib. Night after night he wakes up crying, points to his closet. Once L started talking he says "guy guy" while pointing towards his closet. At this point I am starting to think there really is *someone* here.

Episodes like this continue to happen for the next few years. Several times I have felt the presence, or seen something that I know isn't quite right. At night when I run on the treadmill I see a big cat jump down from the built in bookcase. I've seen it several times and let me tell you, there is no live cat here. Just ask Frances Bean and Ernie. And poor Ernie, he spends the nights growling at strange things I can't hear or see. When Levi has a bad night, Ernie lays between his closet and the bed. Believe me now???

I am sure by this point you all are thinking that I am in dire need for a refill on some Lithium but let me tell you, I am being totally serious. Seriously serious.

Fast forward to last night...

L #1 is crying, telling me "Tell the guy to leave. I just want to go to sleep." The closet light has burned out again and Seriously Daddy just replaced it a few weeks ago. I am trying to comfort my three year old little boy while he is telling me there is someone in his closet. I walk into the closet and say out loud "Stop freaking my son out. You need to leave him alone."

If it hadn't been for Twitter, I probably would have lost my mind.

On second thought...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Flashback Friday

Today's flashback isn't really all that random. But it's my blog and I can do what I want to. Neeeener neener neener...

Every Tuesday night Chag from Cynical Dad does his famous Nameless Twitter Radio Show and last weeks theme was breakup songs. My pick for the night was a Morrissey song because seriously, is there anyone else who can sing a break up song better than Morrissey? But since it's no secret that I am a huge cheeseball, hair band loving, wanna be rocker, I tweeted that my runner up pick was Skid Row's "I Remember You." Morrissey or Skid Row. Which one do you think Chag played? Umm yeah. I was punked. He called me out on my hair band loving geekness and played "I Remember You." Chag, you are my hero. Seriously. You picked Skid Row over Morrissey. I bow to your greatness.

If the Buzz Kills wouldn't have been sleeping I would have really rocked out last Tuesday to a little Sebastion Bach but being the good mother I am, I let them sleep and quietly watched the YouTube video and thought about that rat bastard who broke up with me in 1993. Ahh the memories. Isn't that right Seriously Daddy?

So to make up for missing the opportunity to rock out Tuesday night while dancing around the house in my wifebeater and boxers, I turned my iPod up and blew out my eardrums with a little hair band rock while running on that beast of a treadmill the following day.

I did however break out the Morrissey Tuesday night. Staying up way too late listening to that voice from God isn't always a bad thing. Morrissey's voice could melt steel, it's smooth like buddah. And I'm all about spreadin' the buddah today...

Happy Friday and dance, people, dance. Even if it is in your boxers and wifebeater alone in your house at night...


If you are here checking in on the Club Half As Small As You front...

I lost 2.6 pounds this week, per the scale at my Weight Watchers meeting. So you know that's official. Then I came home and had a beer and some nachos. Dammit. Back to the grind tomorrow. I am halfway to where I want to be for Doomsday, otherwise known as the TRIATHLON. I am seriously insane. Send medication.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I'm gonna be too sexy...

So after stalking Jen over at Steenky Bee, I decided to join a little group called Club Half As Small As You brought to us by Casey over at Half As Good As You. You know because I am such a joiner and that's how I roll, baybee.

If this is something you are not interested in, save yourself the ushy gooshy and log off now. I won't hunt you down. Promise.

What most people don't know is that I have been a Weight Watcher for what is going on 12 weeks now and have lost 26 pounds so far. I have some more to loose so, I'm joining this little club for the motivation, yo. Got some words of wisdom? Throw them my way. Want to try and sabotage me? Go ahead, try it. It's not going to work. Seriously.

Our first assignment is to assess this little situation o' mine and answer the following questions to the best of my ability which is a hell of a lot easier than getting my rear end on the treadmill tonight. So here goes.

1- What motivates you and why do you want to do this challenge?

What motivates me? A new wardrobe courtesy of Banana Republic. That motivates me. BlogHer '09 motivates me. I can't show up there in all of my Wisconsin Housewife/SAHM glory you know. I need to be looking hawt when Rock and Roll Mama and I take on the town. I also refuse to be that mom at the park who is sitting on the sidelines, watching. That is NOT going to be me. EVER. I want in for this challenge for the support. Besides my weekly WW meeting, this is the only support I've got. SeriouslyDaddy tries, but his solution? Nachos. And is doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that nachos are not. going. to. help.

2- What is your long term goal?

Besides being rich, rich, rich? I would like to have world peace. Oh right, never mind. This is a fat club, not Miss America. My real long term goal? To be physically fit. I want to do a triathlon next summer and I want to not die while trying to complete said triathlon.

3- What is your long term weight loss goal?

I am not putting that number out here for everyone to laugh at me. Not happenin' hot stuff. That's between my WW leader and me. It's my thing. Everyone has a thing. That number is my thing. Maybe someday I'll get there, but I haven't arrived yet. Lets just say, I have just enough to loose that I won't be going anywhere soon.

4- What tools are available to you?

Mondays, I do a Water cardio class for 60 minutes. And there is this beast in my living room called a treadmill. I hate it. It kicks my ass. But I am co-dependant. I need it. And it knows it. What I do need to add to my routine is free weights. Need to look into that ASAP.

5- How often do you exercise?

Right now I am at 5 hours a week of cardio. One hour per day. I need to up it to 7 hours a week and add in a weight training routine. But not just yet. I am trying to stay alive even if that damn treadmill is trying to off me.

6- What do you plan on doing?

I am going to continue with the Weight Watchers Nutrition Program. It's working and it's an easy one to stick to. I feel great and as much as I was sure that WW was only for bitter old women who wanted a place to complain about their horrible life, I was wrong. It's been a lifesaver. Literally.

7- What has worked for you in the past?

Nothing, that's how I got into this little predicament in the first place. I was once a very active, outdoorsy, white water kayaking in the middle of winter kind of chick. I want her back. I want her to be a role model for her kids. Life is more that sitting on the couch with a plate full of nachos, people! I'm not perfect, hence the lumpy thighs. But I am ready to be closer to it! You know because...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Our weekend in pictures...

This is what I looked like when Russ called to tell me we were heading out for the weekend...

This is what happened when Frankie and Ernie found out they had to go to the kennel this weekend...

This is what the Little-er of the L's was doing when she found out we were going to the water park...

This is what the Bigger of the L's does when I ask him to cooperate...

This is what the view out of our backdoor looks like. Just in case you were wondering...

This is what a happy child looks like when he gets to stay at a water park while daddy is working...

This is what keeps the Little-er of the L's busy at the hotel. She'd be happy at the local Super 8 as long as they had a luggage cart.

This is what they look like when they are forced to take a picture together and pretend to love each other...

This is what you do when you refuse to sleep in your pack and play...

This is what we were tempted to add to their sippy cup when they decided they were not going to sleep any time soon...

This is what the end of a successful weekend looks like...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Flashback Friday

This weeks flip of the iPod touch is courtesty of the Bigger of the Little L's. As the two of us were on our way to preschool this morning he asked if he was big enough to listen to my iPod. I cringed a little and then handed it back to him.

This is the song that was cued up when I dropped him off...

Appetite for Destruction circa 1987. Awesome. And the best thing about this song? Slash was totally screwing around when he came up with this riff. It was supposed to be a joke. Twenty one years later it's still one of the most recognizable guitar riffs out there.

Who didn't love it? Who didn't think GNR was cutting a new path in rock upon release of this album?

I'll tell you who...

Some kid who made this comment on the YouTube video

" I like tha song and the way they dress, but the singer sounds like a dying cat and he lookd like s hippy. he dances like micheal jackson. maybe its his real dad!!"

The only response I have to that? Shut up, try to learn something, help make this world a better place and go get your free Dr. Pepper, kid.

Happy Friday and dance people, dance!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I'm in the math club. I'm in the phyics club too.

In an attempt to win the coolest giveaway prize ever courtesy of Backpacking Dad, I am presenting my essay on which character I most identify with from The Breakfast Club...

"...and these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through..." - David Bowie -

High school is a classic case of the medieval caste system at it's finest, isn't it? The minute I walked through those double doors at 7:35am that September Tuesday morning in 1989, I was typecast. No one knew me. I was that new girl. And after a three second glance, they thought they knew me. They were wrong. But they wanted to be right. They would spend the next four years trying to prove me wrong. They never succeeded but man they tried.

What they saw was a curly haired, glasses wearing, music loving band geek who was way to shy and insecure to ever say the right things. They saw this kid when the looked through me...

"And, uh, I didn't have any shoes. So I had to borrow my dad's. It was kinda weird 'cause my mom doesn't like me to wear other people's shoes. And, uh, my cousin cousin Kendall from, uh, Indiana... He got high once and you know, he started eating like really weird foods. And uh, and then he just felt like he didn't belong anywhere. You know, kinda like you know "Twilight Zone" kinda. "

They saw the awkwardness. And as Brian so eloquently wrote, they saw what they wanted to see. I was so damn insecure that I found it easier to keep to myself. I had some friends but they were the Allison's of the high school sect. I wanted to be an Allison. I would have been an Allison too, if I had enough guts to let people see me. Instead, I became Brian. I became what people wanted me to be. If I failed, they would be disappointed. If I failed, I failed them. I failed their expectations. There was no room for failure. So I tried. I tried to fit in. I tried to make the light bulb turn on. For four years, I tried to make the light bulb turn on. It never happened. Not from 8:00am to 3:00pm anyway.

They would ask me about music, about help with their physics homework about the other places I lived. We would see concerts together, we would hike the state parks together, we would study at the diner together, they would copy my lab homework. Would they have enough confidence to bring that to school with them? Not a chance. At school, even four years later, I still was "that new girl."

That new girl graduated, third in her class. And then...

College. College saved me from her. College gave me a new start. And I took it and ran. I look back now as I am writing this and want to scream the word CONFIDENCE. I want to go back and give Brian some self worth, some pats on the back. And I want to give Brenda some of that confidence and experience she has now.

You see what you want to see. Just make sure you are seeing the right things.

So tell me, who were you in highschool? Did you want to be that person or was it fate?

I wonder if detention would have given me some street cred?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

They're heeeerrrrreeee...

You know the ones.

The Professors of Poltergeist-ish activity.

The Sultans of Mass Destruction.

The Captains of Chaos.

The Majors of Messes.

The Imperial Emperors of Impending Implosional Indignation.

The ones who can turn your green eyes fire red in a matter of milliseconds.

Yes! Those are the ones and now they are home again. Home from the complete attention on Grandma. Home from the freedom they taste when mom and dad are 600 miles away and if they want a cupcake for breakfast, they get a cupcake for breakfast. Home from complete adoration, you know cuz Mama don't play dat, here. Not most days at least.

I half expected them to barge in the door in their famous bald headed, sweaty, bug eyed "here's Johnny" style. Instead they tore off their clothes, ran up to their playroom and did what they do best. Absolute destruction. And now all is now right with my world.

This is the first conversation that we had upon our reunion...

Bigger of the Little L's - "Mama, L schrooled on me."

Me- "She did what to you, baby?"

Bigger of the Little L's - "Mom, she schrooled on me."

Me - "Dude, she did what?"

Bigger of the Little L's - "MAAAHHHMMMM, you know P H K"
Because I was evidently totally oblivious to the fact that P H K was the three year old spelling for DROOL. Duh.

Kids, our lesson for the day...

I guess sometimes your the drool and sometimes your the P H K.