Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Dr. Knuckles

This girl and this guy meet in 1992 and after two years of "we're just friends" they finally fall madly in love. This guy and this girl get married in 1999 not because she wanted to wait that long but because it took him way to long to ask. This guy and this girl find themselves with a bun in the oven in 2004. This guy and this girl spend the next eight weeks freaking the hell out and wondering just what they got themselves into.

This guy and this girl walk into this OB office when this girl was eight weeks pregnant and puking her guts out with this guy's demon seeded spawn inside her womb. This guy and this girl meet a doctor. A doctor who came highly recommended by the this's friends. A doctor who would soon be expanding his practice and hiring two new doctors. One of his new hires would be an rockin' awesome, earthy crunchy, mom of two and the other? The other was a ex-marine, hard ass, father of four, military OB who was back in the states after serving his country and delivering babies in third world countries for twenty years.

Guess which OB got assigned to this girl and this guy's pregnancy? Umm, no. The other one.

This girl thought "Hey, what the hell, I'll give him a chance to overcome his reputation and then kick him to the curb." "How bad can one visit be?"

So this girl brushes her teeth, tries to zip up her jeans that are way too close to not fitting, tried to button her shirt that is definitely not going to button, and heads out to her first appointment with Dr. Reputation. Upon arrival at the office this girl gets the lowdown on what happens at every visit. You know, the cup??? This girl gets into the exam room, praying that she doesn't barf in the waste basket. Finally the moment this girl had been waiting for. This girl meets this doctor.

"Hmm, not bad. Friendly, not bad looking, nice handshake. No overt weirdness. Seems intelligent and has a ton of experience." "Definite possibility."

So this girl, this guy and this doctor begin their relationship. There are freak out questions in the middle of the night, there are monthly weighs and measures, there are budding bumps, there are bumpity bump heart beats checks. There are ultra sounds, there are non stress tests. Maternity clothes and yoga pants. There are cute flats and there are clogs. Skips of excitement turn into waddles of wonder.

Thirty eight weeks after this guy and this girl find out about their little experiment they meet this doctor at the hospital. This girl is ready for this baby to be out of her and this doctor says it's time.

This girl's body isn't quite ready to have this baby so this doctor decides to help this girl along a bit. This doctor decides he is going to do a little strippin' o' membranes to this girl.

This girl finds out the hard way that this doctor has hands as big as a gorilla. Seriously.

"Brenda, this may be a bit uncomfortable for a minute."

"Holy F#^$*%) C)#*$@. Oh (#&@#, Are you (#$&@_ )#$&@&^@? Get your damn hands out of me."

"There, that wasn't so bad. If this doesn't work, I'll do it again in a few hours."

"Like hell you will ever do that again. Get me the hell out of here. I plan on staying pregnant forever you masochistic freak."

"Wow, congratulations, your water just broke." "I'll be back later..."

"Umm, okay Dr. KNUCKLES."

This doctor, besides having hands that Jane Goodall would study, ended up being the man who would help me bring two babies into this world. I adore him, not because I too am a masochistic freak but because he was there when this girl and this guy heard their babies for the first time. He was there for the weighs, the measures, the skips and the waddles.

He was there to argue about Obama vs. McCain today too. And any guy who can argue politics while doing a pap smear? He's good with me.

23 comments:

steenky bee said...

First!

steenky bee said...

Okay, was I really first? I was gagging and dry-heaving whilst crossing my legs so very tightly that my eyes were watering. Oh, dear. I am so thankful that my OBGYN is a woman with tiny hands. I want to kiss her hands now. Ew, NO I DON'T. Gross.

DeeMarie said...

My OBGYN and I talk about movies and music while he's examining me. And then he hugs me when I leave. Weird? Yeah, pretty much everyone thinks so. But he's the best, so I'm ok with it!

Daddy Joe said...

I laughed out loud at the Jane Goodall line. Hilarious!

Laufa said...

I went through the same thing. Except my Dr. was a plastic surgeon for the female under regions. So I knew he could make me a virgin again if need be. Also, his name was Dr. Zipper.

Casey said...

There used to be a nurse at my OBGYN who we all called "Mary big hands". Sounds like they had the same set of paws on them. I love my OBGYN, like LOVE LOVE her, I went into withdrawals after my kids were born since I'm only going to see her once a year now. So sad. I'm glad you have a dr you like, it makes all the difference.

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

First timer, but I loved your observation on the man who has become a instrumental part of your life now, even if he has Jane Goodall hands (LOL) and I totally heart my OB Gyn he kinda looks like Larry the Cable Guy, but he has been with me through Miscarriage, and the birth of my three kids, tearing up think about him... Wow I love that man.

Any who I hope the pap turns out good for ya.

Issas Crazy World said...

I love this, except the stripping of the membranes line. But that's only because I remember it too well still. Had it done twice in one night with the boy. Got the shivers just thinking about it. :)

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